sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
