I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
