i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
