i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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