this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
