my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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