Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
