Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
