I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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