Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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