I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
