Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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