last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
