I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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