what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
