My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
