if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
