i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
