you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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