My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
