tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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