Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
