Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
