if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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