she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize