I think I won the penis lottery.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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