I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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