I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
