Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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