Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
