I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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