went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
