Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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