Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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