I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
