Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Randomize
