We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
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