did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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