that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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