He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
