i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I supernannyed him into submission
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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