theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
