my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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