I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
