Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
