i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
