My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You pole danced in your parka.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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