What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
