Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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