i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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