her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
