i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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