I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
