just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
