I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
