Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
