I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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