As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
